Long-term adjustments to the remote learning model that may last through the scheduled end of the school year mean that parents and children have to find ways to co-exist, in close quarters, for far longer than anticipated.
Living that new reality day by day, for as many weeks as the quarantine has lasted, can give rise to a host of unexpected emotions. That’s where Haddonfield Middle School psychologist and member of the district’s Child Study Team Dr. Kristin Leren, can offer some assistance.
For starters, parents need to set the tone.
“We have to start with us first, because the first step in co-regulating with children is that adults have to be in tune with our own needs and emotions,” Leren explained.
“If we don’t do that, it’s harder to tune into a child’s emotions or their situation. I always share with people some core principles in dealing with emotions: be present and ask questions,” she added. “Having a conversation with your child and listening, to find out what he or she is feeling and why.”
Leren also noted that it’s about the process, not the result — how to explore what works, and to recognize when negative thoughts and emotions arise. She said it’s also key to find out how to calm oneself, to change negative thoughts and negative self talk, because that has a tendency to color parent-child interactions.
“There is no right or wrong in what to say, but in how active we can be, in assessing the situation and taking the right steps,” she noted.
And for middle-school level students, for whom the phrase “regulating emotions” can become a daily challenge, it’s not healthy to be cooped up in the same space for an undetermined period of time. The social and emotional component of learning has to be tweaked, and mindfulness can provide a solution when technology fails.
“All things are connected. And though technology is all around us, after a while it’s common to feel more isolated,” Leren counseled. “So I’d say you can start by trying to create more moments where you can feel positivity, more positive emotions and ways to generate positive self talk.
“We know from research, that to build emotional resilience, every day you need to try and take moments where you think of the positive aspects of life.”
Included in those positive moments, Leren said, are remembering the feeling you get from hearing a great song, the preparation or eating of a nice meal or a hug from a sibling – all things to build resiliency through positive means. The simpler the better, she advised.
“It doesn’t have to be a concentrated effort, like taking 20 minutes for meditation. But these simple things, built up over time, can make a big difference.”
The same approach can be used for the emotions that come with longer-term thoughts, since certain events students were looking forward to at the end of the school year may take on a different look or not occur at all.
“It’s a tough thing to know they’re going to miss their class trip or school dance, or maybe their graduation,” Leren said. “And the kids in the high school are missing out on their Disney World trip. It’s a real disappointment.
“Any emotion is a real emotion, and that’s your experience. So let your child express the emotion if they’re sad or disappointed,” Leren stated. “When you lean into the emotion, there’s space and freedom to let it go, but when you bottle it up, it just spills over into other feelings.”
Although Leren has years of experience as a counselor, and in treating anxiety and depression, she realizes that everyone going through these uncharted waters together is a big deal. Trying to figure out how to function and relate to an unprecedented situation can produce emotions that may be hard to handle at times.
“Naming it, and giving space to express it,” she said, “lightens up that burden, and also leads to compassion.”
